The Mister found a slug in the kitchen sink.  Yes, a slug that would normally be outside.  I really don't know how it got there.  I haven't brought in any flowers or vegetables from the outside, although once, our previous dog, Jack, brought in a lizard that was sleeping in his dense fur during the winter.  We actually saw it crawl out of his belly once it got warm in the house.  Just like the "Meat Dog" video, we all looked at each other and said, "What was in there?"  Poor thing, all confused and stumbling about.

So I started looking around the garden and low and behold-  slugs and snails galore.  Here I am, all worried about my big duck lip and vertigo while a huge slime party is booming in the hood.

This is a scientific rendering of some different slugs you might find in the garden, including the fur covered Beluga whale sort that I have yet to see.

I set out upon an natural and organic way to discourage them.  I researched online and found salt and beer was an approach.  Hunt and pick and salt.  Watch them writhe and shrivel.  Good times.

I salted about five slimers before it got boring.  I really wished it was about 80 degrees out so that I could get the magnifying glass out and fry their brains out, but hey, it's Seattle.

I decided to carefully pour beer into lids and wait for them to presumably think it's Friday and free beer and Party On!!  Then drive drunk and die, sucker.  I am fully convinced that they not only thought it was Party Time, it was let's get really hammered and use no slug protection and fornicate willy nilly through the gardens. I swear the population doubled.

Quick trip to Lowes, Tra, la, la.  Hmmm.....can you help me find the most poisonous, vile substance known to evil, glutinous, drunk creatures?  Cyanide, you say?  Arsenic?  All very good, thank you, please load me up.  (Fortunately, Doggus Dorkus turns up his nose at anything not absolutely dripping in blood and priced at $13 per feeding.)

So I am sitting here, straining to hear the little screams of perishing slimeballs. 

Fuckers.