Ponderences

EIGHT GAMES FOR GROWNUPS:

1. Be sexy all day. Toss your hair about and pout your mouth.

2. Mentally add, “your face” to everything someone says to you. “Paper or plastic?” I’ll paper your FACE.

3. Encourage everyone. It’s better out loud, but you can do it in your head if you want. Right on, random jogging dude! You’re jogging GREAT! Yeah, heavy things on the bottom—way to bag groceries! You’re bagging like it’s your job! Oh wait it is your job! Etc
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4. For parents: if your child is being grumpy and argumentative, you can respond with “Well, that’s just, like, your opinion, man” and have a silent chuckle at her expense.

5. Casually say, “Oh hi, [pet’s name]” whenever your pet walks into the room. This never fails to amuse me.

6. Use exact change! You probably really do have thirty-two cents! So exciting.

7. Look out for danger. Speeding cars! Sudden sinkholes! That guy has a knife and a crazy look in his eye! Gas tank explosion (a cinematic mind’s-eye occurrence that has guaranteed me a lifetime terror of buying gas)! Hot lava!

8. Okay, this is not a game, but speaking of hot lava: it certainly does not figure into everyday adult life the way I imagined it would when I was a kid. Ditto quicksand.


FICTIONAL PLACE NAMES IN WHICH THE COLONEL AND I WANTED TO TRAVEL TO OR LIVE:

1. Mangled Scrotum National Park

2. Groinopolis (a city in the Nether Regions of Planet Area)

3. Crotchgrab, North Dakota

4. Danglysac, Arkansas

5. Butthole Corners

6. Sphincter Ridge

ONE UNCOMFORTABLE TRUTH:

It took FOREVER for me to turn 20 years old. I was a baby, and a kid, and a teenager, it lasted ages and ages, and although high school is a bit of a blur I remember quite a lot of my childhood. However, 30 years old to 50 years old is the exact same amount of time and it elapsed in a fucking flash. What was I doing at age 20-whatever? I have no idea unless I think really hard or dig around in the blog archives. If the trend holds, it means that 50 to 60 will go even faster, and imagining this gives me actual stomach flip-flops. Slow down, everything!