A Much Better Pain Scale

This is a funny post from a funny blog that I read.  I think she is hilarious and her art is good, too.   I have shamelessly plagiarized this just for you. You're welcome, as usual.

I took Boyfriend to the Emergency Room last night because he was vomiting up vast quantities of what I thought was blood but actually it was just Craisins. You guys, if you feel like you may become violently ill in the near future, stay away from red food. Failure to do so may create an atmosphere of unnecessary panic and chaos.

Anyway, the doctor wanted to make sure that Boyfriend didn't have SARS or stomach AIDS or something, so he had to poke him a lot. While he was doing this to Boyfriend, he pointed to a little reference chart on the wall and asked Boyfriend to rate his pain:

You've probably seen some version of that chart before.  You may also have noticed how inadequate it is at helping you.  Based on the faces, this is my interpretation of the chart:

0:  Haha!  I'm not wearing any pants!

2:  Awesome!  Someone just offered me a free hot dog!

4:  Huh.  I never knew that about giraffes.

6:  I'm sorry about your cat, but can we talk about something else now?  I'm bored.

8:  The ice cream I bought barely has any cookie dough chunks in it.  This is not what I expected and I am disappointed.

10:You hurt my feelings and now I'm crying!

 None of that is medically useful and it doesn't even have all the numbers, so I made a better one with all the numbers:

0:  Hi.  I am not experiencing any pain at all.  I don't know why I'm even here.

1:  I am completely unsure whether I am experiencing pain or itching or maybe I just have a bad taste in my mouth.

2:  I probably just need a Band Aid.

3:  This is distressing.  I don't want this to be happening to me at all.

4:  My pain is not fucking around.

5:  Why is this happening to me??

6:  Ow.  Okay, my pain is super legit now.

7:  I see Jesus coming for me and I'm scared.   

8:  I am experiencing a disturbing amount of pain.  I might actually be dying.  Please help.

9:  I am almost definitely dying.

10:  I am actively being mauled by a bear.

11: Blood is going to explode out of my face at any moment.

Too Serious For Numbers:  You probably have Ebola.  It appears that you may also be suffering from Stigmata and/or pinkeye.

Giraffe Neck Bones

Dr. Back Cracker and I did our usual upsy-daisy on the plank and while he was cracking me, he thought to dazzle me with trivia.  He said, "Did you know there are 24 bones in a human back?"  I replied, no, no I did not know that.  He said he remembered because there were 24 hours in a day.  I told him I'm glad he remembered what they taught him at school.  Then he wowed me with the information about there being seven bones in our neck, to which I said, "Because there are seven days a week?"  He didn't say anything, so I said, "You didn't put that together at school?".  (I said this after we were done cracking, because he is rather large and could hurt me if he was mad.)   No, he did not think about it this way.

He thought to throw me yet another bone and asked, "How many neck bones do you think a giraffe has?"  I almost yelled out, "Seven!!!  I know this, seven!!!"  (Oooh, ooooh, pick me!!!!)  I told him that I had just watched Larry the Cable Guy on the History Channel the night before and learned that from him because he was working with the giraffes at the zoo in Nebraska.  Scintillating TV.  Dr. Smarty-Pants then said that all mammals had seven neck bones, except for the sloth;  the sloth has eight.  I told him, "That makes sense.  They're so slow, they're even slow to evolve."  I thought that was a funny line, give the lack of sloth humor in the world.

I could swear that Dr. Crackem looked slightly disgusted as I left.

Let Me Grasp Those While You Hurt Me

Two appointments today; one with Dr. Sam Naficy and one with the chiropractor.  Yes, I am cheating on the man who sewed my nose on.  I won't deny it.  Dr. N told me he thought I wouldn't need further surgery as long as my face was healing well, but I should get cortisone to relieve the large bump (keloid scar) forming under my nose.  He also told me about an Equine Vet he just did surgery on last week who was kicked in the face and had a much more severe injury and that made me feel better, although I'm sure the Vet doesn't feel that way about me.  So that was all very good news until he told me that the shots (SHOTS???  NOT SINGULAR SHOT????) would hurt a bit, but they'd use numbing creme and put some Novocaine in the mix.

Flashy Julie with the very long Latisse induced eyelashes dabbed the numbing creme all over my upper lip and got some on my lower so I really knew it was working and I sat there taking deep breaths and hoping for the best.  Unless you really need it, I don't recommend FIVE shots in your upper lip, even with Novocaine.  It hurts like hell.  The only real redeeming feature of this visit is that he offered to write me a prescription for diamonds.  He was delightful, once the pain was over.

Off I go to QFC and buy a bag of peas for my big lip.  I'm sure the checker thought I just had some injectable done because it was big and bleeding.  Well, damn it, I just did!!!

The chiropractor cracked my back and it feels great, so I know that therapy is working.  The xrays showed compressed discs in my neck and a more than 10% curve in my upper back.  When I look straight on in the mirror, it is obvious that one shoulder is higher and my neck curves to one side.  Because of the degree of degeneration in my neck, we're not so sure that this really didn't occur two years ago due to being bucked off and landing on my head.  So more back cracking, which is just fine.

The Mister emailed me and said that he had just got a cortisone in his hand this morning.  I emailed back, SHUT UP!!  I just got five.  He is suitably impressed, as he should be.

Blue Ribbon

Warming Up

Winning pony, Calypso, gets a kiss for a job well done

Mom and Dad, the now walking ATM for all things horsey

A most excellent day had by young girl, Audrey, winning her first horse show.  We were all proud of her;  over half the audience was her fan base.  It was the highlight of my weekend!

Weiner, Weiner, Weiner

Poor sod;  a name like that.  What did he expect, going into politics?  Dork.  I had no idea there was rehab for inappropriate texting and blogging.  Maybe that will be my next scheduled therapy.  Hopefully it's located somewhere like Hawaii or Tahiti.  I'm sure I can get my doctor to give me a referral so that insurance will cover it.  Perhaps he's claiming psychological trauma, being burdened with a name like that.

Went to a fun brunch today with a great group of girls.  My little cowgirl friend, Audrey, was there and we had a great discussion about her upcoming horse show tomorrow.  She's all ready with her black velvet helmet and boots and is certain that Calypso, the pony, will be just as excited.  She told me that giving the pony treats is key to winning.  An interesting approach, but who am I to argue with an experienced 2 1/2 year old?  I'm going to watch tomorrow and cheer her on. 

Practice and treats, the key.....

I especially like how she puts babies in headlocks when she likes them.  My kind of girl.  I have a picture somewhere of putting a goose in a headlock after he bit my sister.  I'm pretty sure I didn't like him. I was wearing diapers, but he was going down.  My Omi told me that I kept calling him, "crazy chicken!".  She laughed and laughed over that one.  This is the woman who made us sleep with mayonnaise in our hair to grow it long one summer, then got really mad at our mom for cutting it.  She also once relieved herself in a patch of nettles, so it was my turn to laugh and laugh.  Big old burning butt.  That must have really hurt, though.

Mister is off fishing today at Dry Falls, back tomorrow.  I'm sure he's partying at the Soap Lake Businessman's Club, being the card-carrying member he is.  He's quite famous there, next to Norma Zimmer, the Champagne Lady from the Lawrence Welk Show.  Her parents owned the Zimmer Apartments, quite the landmark.  He shares the honor with her of once being the Grand Marshall (Marshalless?) of their eight minute Fourth of July Parade.  Yup, that's my man.

Gus is Mad

Look at this.  This is what Gus does when he is really mad at us.  He picks out one piece of trash, just to show us how very mad he is that we left him alone to sleep on the couch, bed, or, heaven, forbid, floor. Evidently, he barely survived, because one little piece of Kleenex was ripped to shreds in our bathroom.  Oy vey.  Life of a dog is just so very difficult.  OMG, he could have been in the back yard and close to death.

We managed to survive Gus' wrath tonight because it was my first night out in exactly eight weeks.  We did Twilight Golf at Glendale (dinner only) and it was so good to see friends that I haven't seen for a very long time.  We arrived and I had a Bombay Blue Sapphire Martini (yes, Elmer was named after that, my very favorite drink;  but his registered name was Moses' Gin Boy;  did you think Beefeaters was a good name??).

I hung out with my fav guys at the bar and waited for the "golfers" to show up and then we all had dinner and waited for some decent music....and waited....and waited....finally, "Brick House" was played.  I danced, because I had a martini, and it was the only real song to get a groove on.  My man can dance.  I would never have married a non-dancing, over biting, white man.  Ever.

Most people thought I looked pretty good for a kick to the face, and I know I do.  I really appreciate the folks, like John and Randy, who have personal experience and advice on how it feels and what to do.  I know I'll be back in action at some point, but don't know when.  For now, I'm consulting with those who know what to do;  PT, massage, Orthopedic Surgeons, ENTs, etc.  Trust me, I'm all about this.  I'm not golfing or riding, but will be when it is time. I can cook and drive, I.e., VERTIGO IS GONE,  so really, don't need the extra concern at this time.

I'd prefer this would have happened in November, but it is what it is.  It's hard not to ride or garden in good weather.  Going to Mazama this week, but if I don't plan a huge party to re-unite, please don't take offense.  I want to relax, recup, and see a select group of people this time around.  If you must, please pick out a piece of tissue to deal with it. 

Eight Year Old Humor

Mom and I took a great trip to Alaska in '09.  Not a cruise, a real trip.  Plane, train, bus, into Denali Park, plane trip over McKinley.  Grizzly bears, moose, wolves and mosquitoes.  Hikes in the pouring rain.  A few highlights:

Caribou hide Bot fly larva



A whole drawer of poop!!!



Who says the Forest Service doesn't have a sense of humor?